


to love, to die

by sadIittlenerdking



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reincarnation, eliot loves Quentin in every lifetime, lots of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 06:06:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10656477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadIittlenerdking/pseuds/sadIittlenerdking
Summary: The first time Eliot Waugh sees Quentin Coldwater, it feels like a bucket of ice waters been dropped over his head. It's almost as if his life resets itself, readying itself and settling in on this moment as his rebirth.





	1. The beginning

The first time Eliot Waugh sees Quentin Coldwater, it feels like a bucket of ice waters been dropped over his head. It's almost as if his life resets itself, readying itself and settling in on this moment as his rebirth. 

Quentin is nerdy and self conscious, and Eliot can see it in the first breath he takes when he steps onto the Brakebills property, stumbling out of the bushes like a lost little nerdy lamb. He feels an almost immediate overwhelming urge to take care of him. But he stands, leaning up against the Brakebills entrance, raising an eyebrow at Quentin as he slowly makes his way towards him, mesmerized by the disappearance of the shitty New York alleyway, and the appearance of an illuminous, enormous school. 

When they're just a few feet away from one another, Eliot takes a step forward and smiles at him. "Quentin Coldwater?" He asks, and as Quentins eyes wrinkle in the beginning of a smile, something warm nuzzles it's way down Eliots back. He forces himself not to react as Quentin nods and says, "I'm Eliot. Magic is real. Follow me." And then he turns and makes his way across the grass towards the examination room. 

Later, as he leaves Quentin behind for the test, his mind makes a small wish, just as the doors close and Quentin disappears from view;

Please don't fail this test.

Margo asks him what his problem is when he returns to the cottage, dazed and confused. He shakes her off, and sits down in the window seat and stares off into the distance. She leaves him alone after a bit, off in search of somebody that could actually entertain her. 

He finds Quentin, later, likes he's drawn to him, and he doesn't know how it happens, but Quentin, and reluctantly his friend Julia, become part of the fold that has only had room for himself and Margo all these years. And the weirdest part, is they fit. Margo finds them amusing, even Julia, who can be a bit intense and scary. 

Somehow, he and Quentin grow closer. Quentin is so painfully straight, in love with Alice, and so blatantly uninterested, that it should make Eliot forget about his little crush and move on. But he can't, because when Quentin smiles the whole room lights up, and Eliot drinks a little less, just so he can remember that smile when he wakes up. 

But then Alice brings the beast with her obsession with her brothers death. 

And Quentin dies. 

 

*

 

The second time Eliot Waugh sees Quentin Coldwater for the first time, his heart stops, like it knows something he doesn't. 

Quentin stumbles through the thrush of the trees and stares up at him in wondrous amazement, and with the sun hitting him the way it is, all golden and soft, his hair caramel and glistening - honestly how the fuck is it even possible for someone to be so alarmingly pretty - Eliots pretty sure he falls in love at first sight. Not that he'll admit it, because this strange, beautiful, man is walking towards him and he has a messenger bag overloaded with books, and he's slumping slightly to the side. And he is so blatantly straight, Eliot wants to slap himself. 

But still; when Quentin and his shiny hair stop in front of him, mouth open in silent amazement, Eliots heart skips a fucking beat as he stutters the name that he'd practiced for at least thirty minutes so that he'd sound sophisticated and intimidating for his first year. Instead he sounds lost and excited, and this is so not the impression he's going for. Margo will never let him live this down if she finds out. 

But Quentin smiles this big, confused grinned and asks where he is, and Eliot gets lost in his wonder. "Brakebills," he says after a beat, setting his shoulders and flicking his cigarette with a small spell to exterminate the butt, "Magic is real, you have magic, etc, etc. I'm Eliot, your illustrious guide," he takes a small bow and smirks as Quentin smiles, "Let's go." 

"Where?" 

Eliot hesitates, but then looks right into those pretty eyes and asks, "Does it matter?" Maybe it's a test, maybe he already knows the answer. 

Quentin stares at him for a beat and then shakes his head. "Magic is real." 

"It is."

He motions in the direction Eliot had started in, "then lead the way."

Even it isn't the test, Eliot thinks as he leads him towards the exam, Quentin passed this test without even trying. 

He tells Margo about him when he gets back to the cottage and she smiles so wide he feels like he's set a cat loose on an itty bitty bird. Even more so when she somehow gets it out of him that Quentin makes him feels all kinds of shakey and nervous. Naturally, she pulls him to the exam center, and together they wait for Quentin to appear. 

When he does, there's a pretty brunette they later learn is Julia - his life long best friend - hanging off his arm. 

They don't like Julia, but even Margo seems to fall a little bit in love with Quentin, so they tolerate her  
When they introduce Quentin to their little group. Quentins in love with her, Eliot can see it in he way he watches her, and praises her when she masters a new spell. 

Then the beast kills Julia and Quentin breaks. He loses his glow and Eliot can't get him to smile. And the last months of their lives, Eliot falls harder and deeper, even as Quentin grows harder to reach. 

In his last breath, he finally sees a light behind Quentins eyes, just as the Beast reaches for his throat. Quentin is unaware of the beast, his eyes are locked on Eliot. There's something unspoken in them, that if they weren't about to die, would leave Eliot with questions, that he wouldn't dare leave unanswered. But they don't have time, they don't have any life left, because just as the beast latches on, Eliots hand reaches out, but he can't move, can barely breathe. 

Eliot dies just moments after Quentins body falls to the ground. And he doesn't know it, couldn't possibly, but the beast disappears and Quentin crawls across the floor, and reaches for Eliots outstretched hand. 

And that's how they die the second time. 

*

The third, fourth and fifth time are all almost exactly the same, except there's no Alice in the fifth. Quentin still loves Julia, but he's a little more open to what's out there because Julia loves her fiancé. 

Eliot and Quentin sleep with one another each of these times, and Quentin refuses to talk about it in the morning. Margo pushes Quentin and Julia away, each and every time, won't tell them why, but before any of them knows what's happened, Eliot and Quentin can barely call one another friends. 

Eliot does what he's always sworn he'd never do - he pines. Even through the murder and mayhem, even through Julia's death that leaves Quentin with nobody but Penny and Todd - fucking Todd - Eliot pines, staying far away.

One day, though, there's an unspoken truce. In the library in the neitherlands. 

Eliot finds him sobbing in one of the aisles, broken down and crushed, and he sits down next to him, grabbing onto one of those soft, calloused hands and pulling it into his own lap. His thumb strokes over the knuckles, and they sit there, silent. 

At some point, Quentin stops crying and he looks up at Eliot, and it appears as if he has something he wants to say, but the librarian appears and she exclaims in shock, "No books on the floor!" And they clammer to pick them up hastily, lest they be banished with Penny. 

When they leave the library with what they think is an answer, the beast is waiting for him. It kills Margo and Kady first, then turns to Quentin, and there's a bizarre familiarity in the way he moves towards him. 

Eliot screams Quentins name, but the Beast reaches in and rips out his heart. The "No," rips out of Eliots chest in such an intense wave each time, he feels as if it alone tears his shade from his body. But then the Beast turns towards him, an unknown mercy, and slits his throat. 

He collapses to the ground, and gazes into Quentins unseeing eyes until he bleeds out. 

 

*

The sixth and seventh times are different. A tall brunette woman emerges from the woods, and smiles bright like she's known about Brakebills her entire life. Except she hasn't, because Eliot can see the confusion and wonder behind her eyes. He sees it in every first year, or potential first year. 

There is, however, something familiar about her that tugs at him. He pushes it aside, but even so, whatever it is, it's enough to will him into bringing her to the cottage after the test. To slowly work Margo into accepting this woman into their group. 

Her names Julia. She talks a lot. But mostly about a friend from before; Quentin. She can't believe he isn't a part of this, that he doesn't have magic. She wants to tell him everything. She knows she can't, and Eliot comforts her, doesn't know what he's doing, but he's drunk, and she's soft, so he lets her lean on him for hours at a time. 

She has a familiar scent that comforts him, even though it fades the longer she stays at Brakebills. 

One night, she bursts into his room and pulls him from his bed. He asks her what the hell shes doing but all she says is, "It's Quentin." And he's never met the mysterious Quentin, but something about his name has him magicking on a pair of shoes and following Julia in her insanity. 

Somehow Quentin is more than he expected, and less all at once. 

Eliots breath hitches the first time he sees him. He can't tell if it's because of the dark circles under his eyes, or the way he looks a little lost and broken, yet still this ethereal being that lights the entire room around him. 

He's been having dreams. Crushing dreams about Fillory, but Fillory isn't real, except it is. 

He has depression, too, which alone should make Eliot want to run in the exact opposite direction because he's fucked up enough on his own, but instead all he wants is to make Quentin, in all of his nerdy, fucked up glory, smile.

The beast comes, Julia nearly dies. Margo does die. Eliot takes solace in Quentin, and Quentin buries himself in Eliot. They share their pain, and use this to make them stronger. Think it makes them strong enough to defeat the Beast. 

They die separately this time. Penny takes Quentin to Fillory alone, and comes back covered in blood, breathless and shaking. And he turns to Eliot, jaw open and eyes filled with terror, and Eliot knows without him having to say anything. 

Penny and Kady catch him just as his knees give out from beneath him. 

In one version, he overdoses on alcohol and drugs and misses the final battle. In the other, he goes to the beast ready and willing for death. In both, the loss of both Margo and Quentin is enough to break him. 

 

*

The eighth time Eliot Waugh sees Quentin Coldwater is a fleeting glance as a monster crashes through the wards and snaps his neck. 

 

*

The ninth and tenth times are beautiful agony. Because Eliot Waugh and Quentin Coldwater fall in love. Margo, usually against real relationships, loves Quentin, and is the main force that brings them together. 

In one life they get to say goodbye, in the other Quentin watches Eliot die through a magicked mirror. Margo holds him, refuses to watch the beast. But the beast knows they're watching, and he makes Eliots death last. 

And just as the final blow comes, Eliot hears the beast say, "Quentin Coldwater," like he knows him, like he's memorizing the name and the way it feels on his lips. Like he knows something the rest of them don't. 

But then everything goes black, and he can almost hear Quentins scream. 

 

*

 

Eliot Waugh has better things to do in the eleventh reincarnation. He has a test to study for, first years to intimidate, and Margo is in dire need of a shopping excursion. Except he's been forced to welcome a new student who is late. Jamie Lawrence, the stupid white card says. 

He stands, arms crossed and staring angrily at the place he'd set for Jamie's entrance. 

Jamie doesn't even pass the test. 

This time around, Eliot and Margo never even hear the name Quentin. 

Something feels missing every day until time resets.


	2. in the middle of the battle

In the twelfth loop, they try something new. Something that actually has an effect on how things turn out. It’s not a clear cut, happy ending, but it’s proof that they’re getting somewhere. They get further than ever.

They're several months in, hell has broken loose all around them and they're practicing battle magic by bottling up their emotions, which is so, so unhealthy, which should be the thing that bothers Eliot, but what gets him, when he swollows his emotions back down, isn't the overwhelming self hate and angst his life seems to be built on, no. It's what he said to Quentin three hours ago when he'd let go of all his stupid emotional inhibitions; 

"I love you." 

And everyone had turned to him in shock, and Quentin, stupidly adorable little Quentin in all his loveable glory, squinted his eyes and looked at him, and said, “Yes, I believe i feel the same way.” 

And it should be something that fucking warms Eliot to his very core, but they did the probability spell, they knew the outcome, and on top of everything, their feelings were only accessible when they were under the influence. Eliot was always under the influence, but this was different. Not being able to admit it until it’s taken from him, thats a bad thing, isn’t it? 

And he’s on the verge of a complete full throttle break down, but Margo barges into her room and points an accusing finger at him and he can sense the full scale attack that she’s going to throw, but instead, her chin wobbles, her arms falls gracefully to her side and all she says is, “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

And from there, it’s a riot fest of tears, where Eliot, in all his post bottling rawness word vomits everything on Margo as if he were some weird version of Quentin. Which in itself is enough to make him wonder if Quentin has really had so much of an affect on him, that he was starting to act like him. 

Then, hours later when the effects of the bottling have worn off, Quentin finally appears. He’s sheepish, and wary, clinging onto the edges of his shirt sleeves as he moves into the room, and smiles softly at Eliot. “So,” he says, in that soft, unknowing voice, the one that can, and will, mind control Eliot into submission, “We said some stuff.” 

And Margo looks between them for a few long moments, while Eliot’s heart races in his chest, because he cannot fucking take this, and then she rolls her eyes, pops up from the bed, practically peeling herself off of Eliot, and leaves the room without a single word. Eliot has half a mind to follow after her, but Quentin turns and closes the door behind him. And he stands there, careful and breathing, with his forehead leaning softly against Eliot’s bedroom door. 

Eliot just wishes for him to turn around.

And then he does. 

And he has no idea what he can say to make sense of any of this. Eliot isn’t a feeling kind of person, he pushes all that down, even when it’s crushing him, and Quentin - all Quentin knows how to do is feel. This shouldn’t make sense.

But then Quentin takes a few steps into the room, his hands still tugging at the edges of his sleeves. And the light from outside, hits him in a way that feels so familiar, but so strange, and it freezes Eliot, because he’s seen this caramel shine before, in this way. But he can’t remember when or how. 

And Quentin, wonderfully ridiculous Quentin, is a man on a mission. He’s looking down at Eliot with wide eyes, and then he’s kneeling on the edge of the bed and saying, “I - I meant it? I know it,” He paused, swallowing air and chewing down on his bottom lip, “It didn’t sound like it. But I meant it.” 

Everything moves in fast forward then. Eliot is sitting up, and pulling Quentin in close, but Quentin’s the one who closes the gap and kisses him. It’s a whole disarray of craziness, where Eliot finally, finally gets what he wants, and Quentin opens himself up in every way to him. 

And that’s the last good night they have in this loop, because the next day the Beast invades and kills Penny and Alice and Kady. He screams for Quentin to appear, “Quentin! Coldwater!” 

Quentin hesitates, but beneath Eliot’s gaze, he apologizes, clearly sorry to leave him behind, but so sure that this will save them all because for months the beast has called out his name. And then, before Eliot can react, can stop him, he shuts down his wards and the Beast pops him away to Fillory, leaving Eliot, Janet, Kady and Julia in the wake of the chaos. 

There’s a week where nobody knows what happened to Quentin. Eliot’s searching frantically, desperately finding a way to get to him, to save him, but then they find a way into Fillory. The librarians exchange information on traveling for non travelers for Kady’s vow to work for the Library. There’s no hesitation when she signs the papers. And less than three days later, they’re there. 

Fillory is nothing like the world Quentin’s spent months telling Eliot it is. It’s rotting, and brown and empty. 

They search for days, until they come upon the wellspring. 

Eliot is drunk, with his unending flask at his side, when they meet the Beast again, who smiles cruelly and with nothing but malice. He welcomes them into the wellspring, where Quentin still is. 

He’s alive. 

Eliot rushes to him, but there’s a ward keeping him from reaching him. And the beast laughs, and waves his hands, because it’s an illusion, and Eliot’s wrong, because Quentin is very much dead. 

And then so is Eliot.

 

*

 

In the fifteenth loop, Quentin fails the exam. Eliot, still entranced, follows him after he gets wiped. Gets to know him as a mortal. Allows himself to become attached to him. Gets to know every little bit about him through conversation. Through chance encounters, that aren’t chance at all.

He still loves Fillory and all that the books offer. Believes in them in the way only a fan can, but he doesn’t know it’s real. He doesn’t know he’s magical, doesn’t even know magic exists. And he doesn’t seek out the hedge witches. Still he has nightmares; taunted by the young Jane, urging him help her.

He calls Eliot nearly every night a few months later, once they’ve grown closer, and tells him about the dreams. How real they feel, how he knows it’s ridiculous. And Eliot keeps it to himself, lets this be their secret. 

Until the beast appears, with only one name on his lips. 

Eliot doesn’t even know he’s dead, until he gets to his apartment, breathless and afraid, desperate to protect him. But Quentin doesn’t come to the door, and there’s no sound inside the room. He magicks the door open, and without even realizing it, a sob tears out of him as he rushes in. A loud, agony infused breath that aches as it shreds his vocal chords at the sight before him: 

Quentin is lying in a pool of his own blood. 

Eliot kneels next to him, blaming himself, because this has to be his fault. He knew about Fillory, and magic, and could have protected him, but chose his education over this innocent, caring man that he’s somehow become attached to. 

 

*

 

There’s no shock when Quentin tumbles onto the Brakebills property. Eliot watches him, carefully. He feels something pulling them closer together, but he doesn’t let it affect him. Quentin makes his way towards him, unassuming and amazed. Something rushes at Eliot’s heart, but he pulls out a cigarette and lights it while he waits. 

When Quentin finally reaches him, he says, “Am I dreaming?” 

And Eliot, shoving down the same feeling responds, “Yes. Let’s go.” Because this small, beautiful man is going to fail the test, Eliot could feel it in his bones, and he doesn’t want to waste any more time than he absolutely has to. 

But then, on the walk to the exam room, Quentin babbles nonsensically, and Eliot feels this odd sort of adoration bubbling it’s way through him, and he really just wants to punch something. Because Quentin, he feels, will be the death of him. 

And though, through everything, he fights it - his feelings, his care, everything - it doesn’t stop him from being right. 

His feelings for Quentin, as unwanted as they are, are what get him killed, when he jumps in front of a battle magic blast to save him. 

 

*

 

In the twenty third loop, it’s raining when Quentin appears. It’s too late. Somebodies made a dire mistake in the reset, and Eliot is at the entrance of the building, but so is the beast. 

And it’s Quentin’s turn to watch Eliot die as a stranger. 

 

*

 

In the thirtieth loop, Janet is his best friend. But it doesn’t feel right at times. When she sits too close, or looks at him like she knows him. Something’s off. 

So he spends his time with Alice, and her new boyfriend, Quentin. Quentin is strange, and geeky, and surprisingly exhilarating in a way that he can’t quite explain. What starts as getting to know Alice, mysterious and intriguing Alice, turns into - Alice Who? Because Quentin takes over the room when he enters, despite curling in on himself. 

Every part of Eliot is aware of every part of Quentin. 

Stupid, straight Quentin. 

He hides behind alcohol, but Quentin, stupid, stupid Quentin always appears, and talks to him so he forgets about his drink. Talks him sober. And Eliot won’t admit it, but he thinks he’s falling in love. 

But then Alice goes and gets him expelled with her fucking spell. 

Eliot doesn’t see him again until they’re in Fillory. He wants to ask how he got there, but there’s a brunette with hedge witch marks all up her arm, and Quentin is hiding his own arm, and he has a vague idea. He wants to admonish him, but Quentin doesn’t actually remember him. 

And that’s how they die for the thirtieth time, familiar strangers.

 

*

It takes thirty one tries for something to really strike Eliot as familiar about Quentin when he comes falling in through the trees like the absolute klutz that he is. Because Eliot’s first thought upon seeing him is, “God, Q, can’t you do anything without embarrassing yourself?” 

Needless to say, that strikes him as odd.

 

*

Quentin’s a niffin five months into their thirty second reboot. He tried to stop the beast by himself, because his name was the only name the beast thought to speak, to remember, apparently, and idiot, brave, Quentin, thinks it meant he can be the hero and save everyone. 

Instead, he not only kills himself, but dooms everyone else. 

Most devastatingly, Eliot when he’s the one who has to box him. Quentin fights him, hurts him, threatens him. But Eliot is strong enough to push his feelings aside and do what needs to be done.

It doesn’t mean he’s okay after the fact.


	3. the end has just begun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, now we're all caught up with the shows storyline.

Thirty eight is wrong, all wrong.

It starts out the same, with Quentin and his stupid hair and shining eyes trudging up through the grasses. They do everything the same as before, desperate to defeat the beast, unaware that their plan has failed before. 

That's when it goes wrong. They're in Fillory, Quentin and Eliot tense with left over anger from an emotional one night stand that neither of them are really ready to talk about, and everyone else is stressed and afraid. They're still not sure where to go, but they're desperate for answers. They're on the precipice of something, they just don't know what. 

That's when the watcher woman banishes him from Fillory, and he finds himself in the cottage again. Quickly he gathers the materials to watch through a mirror, to watch where they go and to be there for them during the battle. He watches desperately as each of them come up with plans that can't possibly work. 

He knows they're going to lose. 

He goes to the dean, demands answers Quentin couldn't get before. Spikes his tea with a truth serum, and the dean laughs, "that's usually Quentin's trick." 

And then he explains that there's a time loop resetting itself. Eliot asks how he and Jane are immune. The dean summons the strength to refuse an answer, and Eliot frantically searches for a way to remember. 

And he finds one, the Emerson's Alloy Repellant crystal. He tucks it under his shirt and goes back to watching his friends. 

They die.

Time is reset. 

 

*

 

He finds himself sitting atop the stone again, staring across fields of green. He remembers everything this time. When Quentin falls fast face first into the grass, he nearly jumps up to check on him, but the guilt from the last loop weighs heavy on him, keeps him steady in his seat while he waits for Quentin to get up and make his way to him. 

He reaches for a cigarette, frowns when he realizes he doesn't have any, and as if a second thought, he reaches up to his chest to feel for the Crystal. 

It's gone. 

He curses mentally, reminds himself to find it later. 

Quentin smiles at him as he approaches, all confusion and innocence, and it nearly knocks Eliot off his seat. Something in his stomach flips. Last time he hadn't thought to remember Quentin like this, fresh and free, before everything went to shit and he lost him to disaster. 

He barely remembers to say it. "Quentin Coldwater?" And he forces himself to say it like he doesn't know. Because Q doesn't remember him. Doesn't remember any of it, and if Eliot is going to fix everything this time, he can't fuck it all up in the first few minutes. 

Quentin nods up at him. "Where am I?" 

Eliot blinks at him before jumping down from his perch and wiping his hands off in front of him. "Home," he says simply. Because it is, Quentin just doesn't know it yet. But he will. When Eliot fixes everything. 

"I don't understand."

Eliot shrugs, turning to lead him towards the exam. "You will." When he doesn't hear Quentin follow after him, he pauses and looks over his shoulder. "Well, you won't if you just keep standing there like an idiot. Come along, Quentin Coldwater, there's much to do." And he starts walking again, slow, careful steps until he hears a confused sigh and hurried footsteps behind him. He smirks to himself. 

Quentin will always be Quentin, he thinks. At least there's that. 

Later, he realizes someone is missing. Perhaps this is why they wipe their minds each time around, so they didn't feel the weight of the past, and the present. To feel the missing pieces clinking softly in the distance. 

It's Margo. She's not here. It comes to him when he crosses the threshold of the cottage, when past and present collide. Margo was expelled three months ago. The weight of this revelation nearly makes his knees weak, and he takes a moment to sit down. The version that he's supposed to be, he can feel it beneath the memories he's desperately grasping onto, is lonely and angry. More empty than anything. 

It’s enough to make him forget to search for the crystal for the time.

Quentin falls in love with Alice, and it breaks Eliot's heart. To know what he had, and to see it now in Alice's hands hurts beyond words. But he doesn’t let that change his mission. He skips classes, borrows notes to pass the tests later on, and spends all his time in the library. He uses what he knows from the past life to spur him on. But, it doesn’t take long for him to realize that he can’t do this alone. 

He has to tell someone. 

So he goes to the one person he has no personal feelings for, no connections, nothing that could potentially ruin this for all of them. He goes to Penny. 

Who’s first, predictable, response is to call him delirious and, “Man, get the fuck out of my face,” until Eliot brings up things that he couldn’t know unless they were at least on some sort of good terms. He tells him he’s a traveler, a week before he’s supposed to discover it. 

Penny agrees to help him, confused and angry. 

Two months later, the Beast is hungry for death, and they have no choice but to tell the others. They want to know who they were in the past life. Want to know everything that’s changed between now and then. Everything.

Quentin, always so observing, notices when Eliot hesitates, and so unlike himself, he brings it up in front of everyone. Eliot breath hitches and he tells them, “Some things need to stay buried. It’s not relevant to this.” But they don’t let up. 

Luckily, Penny, for once in his life, decides to take pity on someone other than himself, and rescues Eliot for the moment, saying, “Look if it’s not important, it’s not important. Can we focus on what actually is?” 

Eliot doesn’t miss the confused determination on Quentin’s face that remains until they all decide to call it quits for the night. He tries to sneak away while everyone is saying they’re goodbyes, but once they’re all gone, and he’s safely tucked away in his room with a bottle of the strongest alcohol he could find, Quentin reappears in his doorway. 

“Do you knock?” Eliot finds himself asking. 

“Not when you’re hiding something.” 

It’s a bit much, Eliot thinks. Having Quentin in here, watching him like he knows him, when he doesn’t know the half of what he thinks he does. He doesn’t know what they were before, what Eliot lost when Quentin died. What he lost when time reset and Quentin was still Quentin but not his. 

When Quentin moves into the room and closes the door behind him, Eliot pulls the blanket up and over his head. If he can’t drink his problem away, he can sure as hell hide from it. But Quentin, stupid, determined Quentin, sits down on the edge of the bed, and a hand rests softly on Eliot’s shoulder above the blanket. 

“What aren’t you telling us?” 

And the voice is so quiet, so reassuring, that Eliot, for just a moment, thinks that Quentin knows. But then the hand squeezes his shoulder, “You can, you know. You can tell me, El. Whatever it is you - you did. Back then.” 

Eliot’s heart stops for a moment, as he slowly pulls his shoulder away from Quentin’s hand and sits up, letting the blanket slide down and bunch up on his lap. There’s a rage so strong and violent rushing through him that he clenches his hands around fistfuls of blanket and glares at Quentin. “Get out, Quentin.” 

“Eliot -,” 

And suddenly, he can’t contain it, with Quentin staring at him with big doe eyes, like he understands. “You died!” He said, voice rising on each letter, “Do you not get that? You all - each and every fucking one of you died, while I was banished here, forced to do nothing but watch! I -,” He seals his lips shut and looks down. He has to make himself say it, before he lets this drag everyone else down with him. “I loved you. We - ,” He licks his lips, and decides to hell with it. “We had a brief fling, it wasn’t a big deal. Didn’t think it was worth mentioning.” 

Quentin stares at him for a long moment before nodding and leaving without another word. 

Eliot’s not sure whether he’s glad, or if the growing pit in his stomach is opening up and forming a black hole to eat him up and spit him out who the fuck knows where. 

It had been useful in their last try, so just a few days later, they bottle their emotions and practice battle magic. Eliot does it despite remembering every agonizing moment from the last round, practices with them. Has short, vivid flashbacks of Margo swallowing down her emotions and breaking down, clinging to him in a rare moment of vulnerability. He realizes he misses her just as he puts the bottle to his lips, and it all comes roaring back to him in manic hysteria. 

He locks himself in his room and drinks himself numb. 

Quentin, of course, comes to find him. 

And they become another drunken mistake. 

The next morning, as Quentin seems to look everywhere but at him, he wonders if they’ve ever been more than this in one of the past loops. 

Then he remembers the crystal. 

When he goes looking for it, he runs into a woman that looks too much like the watcher woman. “I’m sorry, Eliot,” She says, the crystal clutched her hand, “You can’t remember again. I thought it might work, but it doesn’t look like anythings going to go differently.” 

“We’re still alive,” He argues.

But she shakes her head, “He’s waiting. Go, keep trying. But I don’t think this will be our time to win.” 

“Why are you even telling me this?” 

“Because I want to believe that you’re the hero.” 

And they spend the next few weeks, working out every kink Eliot can remember from the last loop, every mistake they made. And he thinks he’s finally fixed it, but Alice ruins it. 

Alice ruins everything. 

She tries summoning her brother. 

He’d managed to stop her when she first arrived, hidden the book in a place he was sure she couldn’t find, but somehow she finds it. Somehow she figures out a way to destroy months of perfecting. 

And the Beast comes, and, there’s one name on his lips when he appears in the cottage full of students. “Quentin Coldwater,” He says, as he stalks across the room. Eliot’s not sure how he does it, but he screams through the paralysis and the Beast stops in his tracks and turns towards him. “And who are you?” He asks. 

But Quentin does something wonderful and amazing and stupid. A pocket watch appears in his hand, and the beast is pulled back the way in which he came, but he manages to drag Kady with him. 

Everything goes to shit from there. Penny, desperate to save her, travels to Fillory. He doesn’t return. Neither of them do. 

Alice cries, apologizes nonstop. Quentin comforts her.

Eliot spends most days, when they’re not finding a way around losing their traveler, wishing he hadn’t gone for the crystal. And though Quentin is still alive here and now, he keeps having flashbacks of his death. Over and over and over again. 

Quentin comes to him one day, when he’s near comatose from all the alcohol, and lies down on the bed beside him, staring up at the ceiling. Neither of them say anything for a few long moments, until Quentin turns his head and watches him instead. 

“If you have something to say, say it. Otherwise, go.” Eliot mutters. 

Quentin looks up at the ceiling. “Tell me about us,” He murmurs. 

“What?” 

“Before. In the loop. Tell me about us.” He turns towards him again, “The truth, Eliot.” 

He’d lie, but he doesn’t have the energy or sobriety to make up a story, so they lie there together, both staring up at the ceiling, and Eliot tells him the truth. 

When he comes to the end, he can barely get the words out, so Quentin turns on his side, and pulls Eliot into him, pulling his head to his chest, soothing him with his heartbeat. A hand warming through Eliot’s curls, and another on his arm, making careful shakes with his fingers. 

They stay like that until the next morning when Julia comes barging in and says they’ve found a way to Fillory, and it’s back to business. But before they follow her out, Quentin grabs Eliot’s arm, and pulls him back into a soft kiss that has Quentin standing high on his toes, his hands on either side of Eliot’s jaw. Then he pulls away and looks at him for a breath of a moment, and lets go so he can follow after Julia. Eliot takes a moment to compose himself, forcing the small little smile away, and willing himself not to reach up and touch his lips like a sad little school girl.

He follows after them and they get back to work.

The plan is a failure from the moment they step foot in the neitherlands. They don’t even make it to Fillory; Quentin, Eliot and Julia. 

He doesn’t know what happens when everything goes black, he just sees red, red, red, and then . . .

Time is reset. 

 

*

The final time Eliot Waugh see's Quentin Coldwater for the first time, he’s late. Eliot’s resting, poised and perfect, up on his stone, waiting for his pupil, who is somehow late. Part of him wants to stand up, pace just so he can destroy the poor bastard whenever he decides to show up to the single most important exam of his life, but spite and pride gnaw at Eliot’s insides, so he lies back, poised like a perfect model, and he waits. 

This kid had better be worth waiting for, he thinks as he pulls out a cigarette and hangs his head back, letting the warm sun shine down on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How you enjoyed! I certainly enjoyed writing it.


End file.
